Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
