you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
