i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
