3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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