So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I AM VODKA MAN
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
