Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
