I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
