i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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