I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize