Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
