he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
