Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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