I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
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i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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