I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
