that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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