Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
