what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
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I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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