Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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