You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
