as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
