all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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