Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
