Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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