Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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