I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
