My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
