meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
