So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
