I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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