Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
