I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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