careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
