Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
ugly people sure do ruin things
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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