My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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