I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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