It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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