My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
