Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
