Swine flu. Run for my life!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
