Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she pinky promised me she was 18
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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