At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
