I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
