for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
