i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
