Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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