Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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