I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
