My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Congratulations! We have a period
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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