Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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