I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I love having hate sex.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
