First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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