dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
