why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He kissed a someone with a penis
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
