Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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