If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
