just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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