I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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