i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
