there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
